K.C. Burn – Erotic Romance Author

WARNING: Content may be explicit, sexual or offensive. Read the below at your own risk, and only if you are over 18.

For my final blog entry for vocabulary month, I’m going to discuss one of my favourite topics – expletives. Swear words, curse words – I love them. They’re littered in my writing and when I’m driving, I’m either singing or swearing.

Most expletives are often terms related to anatomy, bodily functions or religion.  Despite that, or maybe because of it, I do like them. And I KNOW I’m not the only one. They’re gritty and emphatic. They can provide shock value.  They can say a lot with very few letters.

Let’s take one of the best known expletives: fuck. For example, Sean Michael is trying for the most number of f-bombs on a single page. I’ve read a number of Sean’s books, and can’t believe this goal hasn’t been reached But I’ve never found it excessive, because fuck is such a useful, versatile word and Sean wields it like a master. The Onion, as they are wont to do, has taken it to an amusing extreme, and manages to deaden the impact of the word.

Which is definitely not the goal when using expletives in writing. Often the use of expletives, as well as the choice of a particular swear word, can provide insight into personality, emotion, circumstance and thought process. Expletives in writing should be used with purpose, and not as filler.  There’s a big difference between a character who habitually thinks of women as bitches, one who calls a woman a bitch while under the influence of a specific situation or emotion and one who calls a man a bitch. There’s a difference between characters who don’t swear at all, who swear only rarely, and those who swear all the time.

Anyway, back to fuck. It’s an especially flexible word. It can and has been used as a noun, verb, adjective and possibly adverb, although I can’t think of any specific examples offhand. One of the things I find quite amusing is that, despite its colloquial adaptations, Word does not recognize the many and varied ways I insert the word into my writing. For instance, for the phrase “can’t fucking wait”, Word is pretty sure I meant to say “can’t fuck wait”. Uh. No.

Or there’s the “passive voice” label on the phrase “getting fucked”. Okay, I suppose it’s possible that the person on the receiving end is passive, but that’s not how Word means it. “Getting fucked” is sometimes the right expression, no matter what issues Word has with it.

One time I complained to a friend about my need for creative expletives. She primly (which is highly uncharacteristic) replied that good writing shouldn’t need swear words. Then I made her read the manuscript. Her first response – “Oh, I get it.” Swearing was an integral part of one of the characters, and taking it away would have fundamentally changed who he was.

Some of my friends are completely awesome at developing an expletive lexicon. Maybe you’ve heard of some of these before (I hadn’t, before some very interesting emails), but I assure you, they’ll weave their way into my writing at some point.

Crotchfruit – in case it’s not obvious, this means children
ultrafuckwastedly hammerfied – that would be drunk
asswookieeness – this refers to being an asshole
asshat – asshole. Okay, I’ve seen this one several places, but it’s such a fun word!
Fuckputz – asshole, again.
Turdburgler – uh, ditto.
Twatwaffle – idiot (I got tired of typing asshole. But this word makes me giggle!)
Douchenozzle – also idiot/asshole, although I have to say, not sure how this particular configuration (or its brethren, douchebag) came to have this meaning.

So, I’m not exactly asking for a litany of swear words, but if you’ve got some extra good ones, feel free to comment. I’ll probably have to approve them – my spam filter for comments is quite rabid.

Here’s my April review for the Desert Island Keepers reading challenge – The Assignment by Evangeline Anderson.

Sean O’Brian and Nick Valenti are cops, long time partners. They’re close friends and spend a lot of time together. Neither of them are gay, but after O’Brian gets stabbed, Nick begins to realize his feelings for O’Brian are deeper and more sexual than he’d ever expected. When they’re assigned to go undercover as lovers in a gay resort to break up a drug trafficking ring, Valenti is concerned he’s not going to be able to hide his true feelings. When the two men are required to get physical with each other to keep their cover intact, Valenti becomes more and more enamoured, as well as more convinced he will never be able to work with O’Brian again – as it will be too painful.

The story is told entirely in Valenti’s point of view. Maybe we wouldn’t have felt Valenti’s emotional anguish so exquisitely if we, as readers, had known O’Brian’s precise thoughts and feelings, but I still wanted to know! Maybe it’s my need for instant gratification. The lack of O’Brian’s point of view did not in any way detract from the story, and as objective readers, we can see his signals aren’t quite as mixed as Valenti thinks they are. The story was sweet and full of emotion, the guys were hot, the sex was beautiful and erotic. I did wonder at setting it in the 1980’s… the story was pretty timeless and I didn’t notice anything that would have seemed out of place in today’s world. But once again, it didn’t detract at all. In fact, I enjoyed this story so much, I had to own it in paperback as well as ebook. The Assignment is hands down one of my favourites.

Depends on your definition. In honour of Earth Day (and my very own vocabulary month), I’m going to put my own spin on one of my husband’s favourite soapbox topics. That would be the “natural” debate. When I say debate, it’s mostly my husband debating with others. Not that I don’t agree with him, because I do, but I’m not sure the rest of the world is aware there’s a debate.

A lot of marketing touts “natural” as a benefit of… well… whatever product or process being sold. Dictionary.com has several definitions for natural but the one I’ve noticed most people seem to use is: “having undergone little or no processing and containing no chemical additives”. Somewhere along the line, natural became synonymous in people’s minds as “good” or “healthy”, and therefore, use of the word natural can sometimes hoodwink people into believing whatever product is actually good.

Now, I’m not necessarily saying an item billed as “natural” isn’t good, but natural things, even those with “little or no processing” or those “containing no chemical additives” aren’t always good – or, at least, good for humans. Hubby’s favourite example is snake venom. Quite natural, I assure you. Usually not good for us. Personally, I’m a fan of, oh, say, e. coli. Also natural. Generally, not good. I know, I know… there are exceptions to both these examples, but those exceptions usually involve “processing”.

Many people sneer at chemical additives (you know, it’s not “natural”). Well, I know I’m glad for fluoride in the water (yes, fluoride is a chemical: “a substance with a distinct molecular composition that is produced by or used in a chemical process”) because I have excellent teeth. I also approve of iodine in salt (OMG, they’re both chemicals… and actually, so is water…), because iodine deficiency can cause goiters and various mental challenges. Do I even need to go into things like antibiotics and vaccines? Civilization is based on creating unnatural things from the natural world around us. (Ooops, we might be slipping into another soapbox… I’ll leave civilization building & evolution for another time.)

I’m not trying to convince anyone that we shouldn’t be taking care of our planet, and I agree that humans have done some detrimental things to the planet in the name of convenience and progress. But, wholesale acceptance of something because it’s been labeled natural? Or immediate dismissal of something chemical? It might take a little digging, a little research to determine if whatever product or process is actually beneficial, or at least if the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. When it comes to the word “natural”, it might be best to take it with a grain of salt. *wink*

Today, for vocabulary month, I’m going to give a few snippets of Canadian-isms. One thing of the few things I’ve learned since I moved from Canada to Florida is that there are more differences in terminology and expressions than I realized. Now, it’s a little more than just using “eh”. Sure, I say “eh”, and I’ve noticed American writers sometimes aren’t quite sure how to use it properly. It’s not a filler word, its purpose is primarily to turn a statement into a question, and is most often akin to adding “don’t you think?” to the end of a sentence.

There are other differences. At the day job, I hear many people saying how person x needed to “get with” person y, with the meaning of having a meeting or discussion. Well, back home, “get with” is used exclusively for sex, as in hooking up. This may not be a Canada-wide interpretation, but for months it gave both hubby and I the giggles every time we heard it (well, he was amused & I giggled).

Something I adore about Florida (and I guess the south in general) is the availability of biscuits. Biscuits are not readily available anywhere in Canada, as far as I know. Something called tea biscuits are, but they’re more like stale scones, frequently embedded with raisins (ew). If you ask for a biscuit in Toronto, people will either assume you mean a tea biscuit, or a cookie, as in the British usage of the word.

One of my favourite expressions gets me total blank looks down here. That would be “sweet fuck all”. Means “absolutely nothing” and I’ve never had to explain the expression back home, but down here, it always needs an explanation.

Spelling is a bit of a pain, too. It’s hard to remember to remove ‘u’ from my words, and to use check instead of cheque (it’s spelled this way for the noun only). In a restaurant, we don’t ask for the check (or cheque) but for the bill.

There are also differences in pronunciation, and although that’s not completely impossible to relate via the written word, I’ve never been able to interpret those funny little pronunciation symbols, so I won’t bother with that. If you’re interested, though, people tend to laugh when I pronounce “out”. Undoubtedly, I have a Canadian accent.

And for the record… for those who remember Bob & Doug McKenzie… I do know people who talk like that, but as far Canadian terminology goes, I never knew anyone who used the term “hoser”, unless they were referencing SCTV or Strange Brew.

I had intended to write a blog about Mad Libs for vocabulary month. I love Mad Libs, especially when I can get together with a group of friends, open a couple bottles of wine, and compete to come up with the dirtiest, raunchiest options to fill in the blanks. But, you gotta take inspiration where you can get it, and I got it tonight, so – slight change in plans.

Hubby was watching Stanley Cup Playoffs (Ottawa vs. Pittsburgh), while I was writing. There was a huge collision between players, and one of them was knocked out completely. From the replay, it appeared to have been a clean hit, but you know, still pretty intense, given the one guy was out cold for a few minutes. While they’re out on the ice, trying to determine how badly the Pittsburgh player was injured (and while he’s still out cold) the announcer says “A tedious moment while we wait…” Tedious. Yeah, somehow, I think that’s not really what he meant to say, unless he’s the most heartless guy on the planet. Vocabulary, people. One word alteration can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

Which, come to think, is exactly the premise of Mad Libs. Go to your local bookstore, go online, make up your own… Change the meaning of sentences in harmless and utterly amusing ways. Use the power of vocabulary for good!

And in case you were wondering… the player left the ice under his own steam, so hopefully he wasn’t injured too badly. Those hockey players are machines… so tough!

What’s on tap for the vocabulary post today? Naughty words. I’m saving the expletives post for later, so not that naughty. But let’s just say my mind is always in the gutter. That doesn’t mean that I know all the various terms, slang and colloquialisms to express myself. Or more specifically, my dirty thoughts. I have heard LOTS of inappropriate words (I’m friends with a large number of boys) but I don’t always remember what the darn expressions mean when I’m writing. Or reading.

I remember reading one particular erotic novel once where I kept having to ask my husband “Is this really what this term means?” or “I thought this meant…” I was reasonably sure I knew the definition for pearl necklace, but hey, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been wrong! Nope. Turns out, I was confused because some of the terms were being used incorrectly.

Which brings me to the main point of this post. Urban Dictionary. It’s an invaluable resource for erotic writers, especially when you want to include slang terms for sexual acts or descriptions. Now, it can sometimes be a little annoying, as the definitions are submitted by readers, and rated for accuracy & appeal (not EXACTLY Wikipedia-like). But it’s helped me find a number of descriptors, such as a term for a young male prostitute, or an older gay man searching for hookups. It’s use isn’t confined solely to the sexual, though. The site is also extremely useful for any sort of current slang or common texting short forms (for those of us in the demographic that remembers computer memory measured in KB).

Now, as I’ve said, I’m an Urban Dictionary user. My mind is in the gutter. So, the humour in this next little bit is all because I have a dirty mind. In a very innocent surrounding, with some very nice people, someone threw out the term teabagging as a marketing tactic (i.e. using teabags for promotion). Pretty sure I was the only one in the room who had to choke down a laugh… Don’t know what teabagging is? Run on over to Urban Dictionary… run! And if you’re ever in a marketing meeting, don’t suggest it!

P.S. If you’ve read past posts, you may remember me mentioning word of the day. Guess what? You can sign up for Urban Dictionary’s word of the day. Hint: DO NOT use a work email address for this!

So, this has nothing to do with my month long celebration of vocabulary (at least not directly), but MIA Case Files: Wolfsbane has received some really nice reviews, and I wanted to highlight them.  They’re my first reviews & I’m giddy about them.  Check them out if you’re so inclined…

Received 4 Cups review from Coffee Time Romance!
Received 5 Nymphs rating at Literary Nymphs Reviews!
Reviewed at Ebook Addict!

I am the Boggle Master! Okay, I can’t back that up. But I’m pretty good. And I love to play. Lets me stretch the vocab muscles while beating others into submission. What could be better than that? Of course, no one wants to play with me now, which kinda sucks. But it’s a perfect game to celebrate my vocabulary month.

Why Boggle over Scrabble? I don’t know, I guess because with Boggle, you’ve got at least a fighting chance to get a word. Besides, after getting “vizier” in Scrabble, I decided I should probably quit on a high note.

Now, I personally own the Boggle Master edition, which has a 5×5 letter grid instead of a 4×4 letter grid. The State Master encyclopedia has this to say about Boggle Master (along with rules for this and the regular game):

Big Boggle, later marketed as Boggle Master and Boggle Deluxe, was arguably the most commercially successful obsolete Boggle variant introduced by Parker Brothers.

Is it just me? Or is that a hilarious way to describe a game that is essentially unavailable? Maybe I have an eBay-worthy gem in my closet!

Basically, the goal is to make words from adjacent letters, with a minimum of 4 letters (3 letter minimum for the regular game), without reusing letters, and they have to connect in order.

So, if you’re going to spell tire, the T has to touch the I, the I has to touch the R and the R has to touch the E. And you have 3 minutes (for the Master version, anyway) to get as many words as you can. Words that are 8 letters or longer garner the most points, but you get point bonuses for each word longer than four letters. There are other rules, but hey, unless we actually play, they’re unnecessary to know!

So, for shits & giggles, here’s a snap I took this morning. Admittedly, I’m a little out of practice – it’s probably been four years since I was able to convince someone to play it with me. In 3 minutes, I was able to get 12 words, including one 8 letter word and two 7 letter words. What about you?

Today’s entry is about the Vocabulary-Defiler – names have been changed to protect the innocent! Now, I’ve said before – I have a pretty decent vocabulary. I rarely use it when I’m speaking, however. I can spell all kinds of big, pretty words, and I can use them correctly in a sentence, but I’m not always sure how to pronounce them. So, to avoid looking like an idiot, I won’t say them aloud. Not everyone has similar restraint. Many years ago, the Vocabulary-Defiler and I worked together. Here are a few of hand-picked favourites.

Fractually. This one isn’t even a real word. But it was used more than once, so it couldn’t be excused by the simple brain fart of slamming two words together because you weren’t sure which one you wanted to say. In this case, though, it was used as some variation of fractured.

Obtusive. Also a made up word. Even if one meant to say obtrusive, it would have made NO sense in the context it was used.

Ravished. How might the word “ravished” come up at work, you may ask? Well, if you mean to say famished, or ravenous, or in this case, both, you’d come up with ravished. Sounds like a more interesting lunch hour than I ever had, though.

My ultimate favourite, though, was the use of Gordian. As a compliment (not directed towards me, thankfully). I had to call this one out, though, because I’d never heard or seen the term “Gordian” without “knot”, and unless you’re referring to a person who can easily cut Gordian knots… well, let’s say I couldn’t see the complimentary aspect. The definition he threw out was that complexity was a good thing. Yes, I suppose Gordian can be used to describe complexity, but really – the Gordian knot was a intricacy worthy of one of the twelve labours of Hercules. That level of intricacy sounds more like “unbearably complicated” to me. Still, he managed to come down somewhere between the dictionary.com definition and the M-W.com definition – nice save, Vocabulary-Defiler! (I think he just got lucky with this one…)

This isn’t to say that I make fun of everyone who uses a word incorrectly. So not true. This is just a little warning that you never know when a wanna-be writer is sitting next to you. If it’s not blog-fodder, it might be the plot of the next book!

Okay, so we’re in my personal celebration of vocabulary. Anyone ever flip through the dictionary just to find words that they don’t know or that sound weird? I do. I have. I thought I could subscribe to m-w.com or dictionary.com’s word of the day emails to get my fix. Occasionally, it worked, but I found that I usually knew what most of the words they sent meant, so after a while it seemed like a useless exercise.

Now, if I had the guts at the evil day job to use the word of the day like the Secret Word on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, that would have improved the entertainment value enormously. For those of you who aren’t familiar – each episode of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse had a secret word. When anyone said the word, you were supposed to scream real loud. Now, I wasn’t a child when Pee-Wee’s Playhouse aired, but I was young enough to see the amusement value in it. And quite frankly, I’ve been tempted to choose my own Secret Word at work, for certain types of business jargon. Probably the constant screaming would get me committed or fired, but it’s fun to imagine!

Now, as I’ve said, I think I have a pretty decent vocabulary. Regardless, I’ll still run across a few words in books that I have to look up, but most times, I can figure it out from context. If you’re really interested in stretching your vocabulary muscles, though, I have two recommendations.

First, The African Poison Murders by Elspeth Huxley. It might take some effort to find a copy, but it is well worth it for the learning experience. The book is very similar in nature and style to an Agatha Christie mystery, but it’s stuffed to the gills with words I’VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE. Stunning. I needed a dictionary at hand to actually make it through the book because there were words I couldn’t even figure out what they meant from context. I’d give you some examples, but I haven’t finished unpacking from my recent move (can I still call eight months ago a recent move?) and I can’t lay hands on the book.

Another option is just about anything by H.P. Lovecraft. Fair warning – he wrote horror (short stories, mostly), and even with dictionary at hand, it’s pretty creepy. Here are a couple of examples. From The Shunned House – rugose. Now, there’s a word I don’t have the definition for on the tip of my tongue. How about aegipan, from the Horror at Red Hook? Like Elspeth Huxley, Lovecraft was writing in the early 1900’s, so some of the terminology has just fallen out of usage. But Batman fans will be familiar with one of Lovecraft’s enduring contributions. The fictional town of Arkham was where most of Lovecraft’s weirdness was set, and Batman’s greatest foes are sent to Arkham asylum (presumably in honour!).

If you want something a little lighter, there’s always The Meaning of Liff by Douglas Adams. I have another post where I, uh, expose myself as a geeky Douglas Adams fan girl, so I won’t bore you with that again. But The Meaning of Liff is a whole book of Douglas Adams taking street and place names, and reassigning them meanings… because there’s a lot of situations out there that don’t have words to describe them. Here are just a few examples:

Bodmin – the irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay for a bill together after a meal.
Duntish – mentally incapacitated by a severe hangover.
Goadby Marwood – someone who stops John Cleese on the street and demands that he does a funny walk. (If you haven’t watched Monty Python, you may not get the reference. If you haven’t watched Monty Python – WHY NOT?!?!)

More on making up words in the next post!